Choosing erotic art together with your partner

The two questions, and why they get confused

Question one is about the house. Do we want a nude on a wall here, in which room, and how do we feel about it being seen by whoever comes in. This is not a question about taste. It is about the room, the visitors and each person’s own comfort, and it has an answer before any particular painting exists.

Question two is about the picture. Given that we are doing this, which one. This is genuinely a taste question and it is the easier of the two by a wide margin.

What goes wrong is arguing them at the same time. One person points at a specific painting and the other says no — and it reads as a verdict on that painting, when the real answer was “not in this house, or at least not in that room”. You then spend an evening comparing canvases while disagreeing about something else entirely.

The fix is boring and it works. Settle question one first, out loud, with no painting on the screen. If the answer is no, or not yet, you have saved yourselves the second conversation. If it is yes, the second conversation is about a wall and four works, which is a pleasant thing to do rather than a negotiation.

Question one: the house

Three things to actually say to each other. None of them is about a painting.

Which room, and who sees it. A bedroom is seen by the two of you and almost nobody else. A hallway is seen by everyone who comes to the door. That is the whole spectrum, and it maps onto how exposed each of you is willing to be. There is a room-by-room version of this in where to hang a nude painting: a room by room guide.

What happens when someone asks about it. Somebody will. If one of you would enjoy that and the other would rather sink through the floor, that is worth knowing now rather than at a dinner party. It is also solvable — the answer is usually a different room, not a different painting.

Whether anyone else lives here or visits often. Children, housemates, a parent who comes weekly, a cleaner. None of that rules anything out, and all of it belongs in question one rather than being discovered later.

One thing that is not a fair argument at this stage: “you would not understand it”. If one of you is unsure about the whole category, the useful move is erotic art or pornography: where the line actually sits, not persuasion.

Question two: which painting

Now the easy half, and there is a method that keeps it easy.

Choose the wall first, then the size. Both of you standing in the room, agreeing which wall, and measuring it. That removes most of the twenty-three works before anyone has an opinion, because every canvas here is upright or square and the wall decides which fit. The whole ordering is in how to choose one painting when you like several.

Then shortlist separately. Each of you picks three, without seeing the other’s picks. It takes five minutes and it prevents the most common failure, which is one person’s enthusiasm setting the frame for the whole conversation.

Overlaps win. If a work is on both lists, that is the painting. This happens more often than people expect.

No overlap? Trade vetoes rather than arguments. Each of you removes one work from the other’s list, no reason required. What survives is what neither of you objects to, and that is a much better basis for something you will look at daily than a compromise arrived at by persuasion.

Why veto beats vote. A painting that one person actively wanted and the other merely accepted is a small ongoing cost in the room. Nobody should have to be talked into a thing that hangs where they live.

If one of you dislikes it

Two situations, and they need different answers.

It is already bought, and one of you has gone off it. Catalogue works can be returned within 14 days of receipt, in the original packaging, at your own cost. Note what that costs you: hanging it comes off the refund, because a nail or an adhesive strip leaves a trace and that loss in value is deducted. So use those days to stand it against the wall and look, not to install it. If you decide to keep it and one of you later goes off it, the options are a different room or a different wall — and moving a painting solves this more often than people think.

One of you never liked it and said yes anyway. The honest response is to move it or sell it, and neither of those is a failure. What does not work is leaving it up as a matter of principle. A painting is not a position in an argument; it is a thing on a wall that you both look at.

And the version worth avoiding entirely: buying it as a surprise when question one was never settled. That is not a gift, it is a decision taken for two people by one of them — which is the subject of erotic art as a gift: how not to get it wrong.

The cheap way to test the whole thing

Buy a print first.

€35, signed by hand. Nine of the twenty-three paintings exist as prints. Put one on the wall you were arguing about and leave it there for a month.

What a month tells you that a conversation cannot. Whether you both still notice it. Whether either of you has moved it. What actually happened when the first visitor saw it — which is the question underneath most of question one, and it turns out to be answerable by experiment.

Then decide. If the answer is yes, buy the canvas of whichever work you agreed on, keeping in mind that each one exists once and may not still be there. If the answer is no, you have spent €35 finding out, and the print goes in a drawer or a different room without anybody having to be right.

• The twenty-three originals — €250 to €900, one of each.
• The nine signed prints — €35, signed on the back, never reprinted.

Which of the two is the right buy in the end is original or signed print: which should you buy?

Questions people ask

How do we choose erotic art together without arguing?

Split the decision in two. First settle whether you want work like this in the house at all and in which room — that is about the room and the visitors, not about taste. Only then choose which painting, by agreeing the wall, measuring it, and each shortlisting three works separately. Overlaps win.

What if my partner does not like the painting I want?

Give each of you a veto rather than a vote. Something one person merely tolerates is on the wall every day, and no painting is worth being talked into. If a work is on both shortlists, that is the one; if none overlaps, each removes one from the other’s list and see what survives.

What if we disagree about the room rather than the painting?

That is the more common disagreement and it is usually the real one. A bedroom is seen by the two of you; a hallway is seen by everyone who comes to the door. Moving a painting to a different room solves this far more often than changing which painting it is.

Can we return it if we change our minds?

Yes, within 14 days of receipt, in its original packaging, with the return shipping at your own cost. One thing matters here: hanging it leaves a trace, and the resulting loss in value is deducted from the refund — so use those days to stand it against the wall and look at it rather than to install it.

Is there a way to try it before committing?

Buy a signed print at €35 and put it on the wall you were arguing about for a month. That answers what a conversation cannot: whether you both still notice it, whether either of you has moved it, and what happened when the first visitor saw it.